Monday Musings: On Fluidity

I'm still wishing myself back to Barcelona...

A few weeks ago, I was out with a group of friends from university, and somehow, the topic of sexuality came up. “I’ve made a venn-diagram” my old housemate, James explained matter-of-factly, “of the sexualities in our friends group.”

“really?” I asked. We all leaned in, this was bound to get interesting.

“Well, yeah. Basically, I’ve made two main groups, ‘Fucks boys’ ‘Fucks girls’ and then there’s the overlap.”

“So where are we all in this Venn-Diagram then, James?” I asked, chuckling to myself.

“Well, interestingly enough, almost all of us are in the overlap. Sam is lonlely in the ‘Fucks boys’ camp, and James H. and I are the only ones in the ‘Fucks Girls’ camp.

“Well what about me?” I asked.

“Yeah, Siobhan is a lesbian,” James H interjected, supporting my claim.

“No you’re not.” James said.

And just like that, my friend had shrugged off my sexuality, my identity. 

“wait, what? Why?” I asked him.

“Well, what about the boys that you fancied in first year of uni? And what about the time you had that musician from California over? Do you mean to tell me that nothing happened between you?”

And James was right. I had liked boys. Throughout my adolescence and indeed, throughout my first half of university, I had crushes on boys. But I also had crushes on girls. I just wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone. Least of all, myself. And I had had a boy over from California. And we had kissed. In fact, it was my first real romantic encounter I had had since spin the bottle in the sixth grade. (I was shy, don’t judge). And although I did have some feelings for this boy, it was this encounter that helped me realise that male companionship wasn’t really what I was looking for.

But, coming out stories aside, I didn’t understand this. How could he just disprove my sexuality like that?

We went on to discuss the fluidity of sexuality and how things change and maybe aren’t what they seem to be, but he was having none of it. He refused to believe what I claimed to be true, and explained that the evidence towards my bisexuality was overwhelming and therefore must be true.

That night, I had an existential crisis all over again. It had only been a year since I had come out as lesbian, but was I lying to myself, just like I had been lying to myself about being straight? Did this invalidate my relationship with Ann-Marie? Did it invalidate my past feelings for boys?

I felt like a fool. How could I not have seen this, why didn’t I understand it. Surely, I should be happy, James had just cracked the code for my sexuality! And yet, it just didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel bisexual. I couldn’t explain why, but it just didn’t make sense to me. Ann-Marie is bisexual, and I felt that I completely understood her sexuality. And yet, mine felt so different than hers. I didn’t look at men the way she did. I didn’t feel the way she did about men. 

Later that night, after I had mulled it over in my head for a few hours, I triumphantly texted James. I had cracked the code!

Me: James, I figured out why I belong in the ‘fucks girls’ camp.

James: Ok?

Me: I’ve never slept with a man! So maybe you should have two venn diagrams, one for who we like to sleep with and who we just like.

James: Yeah yeah, I’ll just put you in the girls camp

And once again, just like that, I was back where I was supposed to be. The whole thing was trivial, really. None of it changed who I was or affected the value of my relationships. So, why was I letting it affect me?

The point I am trying to make is that many people think they have a say in your sexuality, especially if it isn’t as black and white as they might like. But perhaps it’s a lot more fluid and interchangeable than we think. 

Yes, I have had legitimate feelings for men in my life, but at this point in time, I feel most comfortable classifying myself as lesbian. But perhaps later in life I will feel better calling myself bisexual or pansexual, or even nothing at all.

If you feel that someone is challenging your sexuality, ignore them. In fact, I implore you to listen to yourself, and check in all the time. Change your mind! Be unexpected! Like who you want, kiss who you want, sleep with who you want and marry who you want! Forge your own happiness, because at the end of the line, it’s only yours.